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Friday, March 13, 2009


I'm so sorry for your additional loss. Sadly, I have no good words of wisdom. When my mom died, I screamed a lot, ate a lot, shopped a lot, and skipped a lot of classes. And then after a while I didn't. It just got too tiring to be sad all the time.
Anyway, I'm sending you good warm thoughts of happy things and I hope they help a little.

I'm sorry honey. I went through it with my mom (my dad died 5 years ago yesterday, and I have no idea where that time went). I don't think it's so much about the "how" to work through grief, but that you actually do it. My mom didn't - she just stayed in a state of sort of suspended denial. Carrie's ideas are as good as any - but mostly, if your mom is willing feel her sad and talk to people - maybe even professionals - about being sad, and work on strategies for dealing with being sad, at some point, the sad will make way for other things.

I hope things get better soon. I'm thinking of you.

This is such a difficult time. As a nurse who has worked in palliative, I believe the only path is truth. But you must have a lifeline, someone you trust to talk to, so that you won't get into too dark a place. Plus you need to look after yourself to help your mom. A third party (impartial)is a good idea.
Funerals are like weddings and underline how wacky a family is. Try to keep your delicious humour through that. You don't have to make anyone else happy.

While I suppose grief is no respecter of persons, it would seem to paint a different picture for each individual. And so while I am sure there are good books out there to help with the generalities, I would encourage you (both) to give yourselves the time and the space to work through it. What's the magical amount of time to work through grief? As far as I know, there isn't any. Speaking/crying/anger when necessary is good. Being quiet is okay, too. So, if you are able to give yourselves permission to feel what you feel, knowing that it will be for a limited span of time, I can't help but think that there will ultimately be hope and healing.

Oh honey. I'm so sorry for everything. The only thing that worked for me was about 6 months of grief counseling. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has a lot of good things to say, but it may be a chunk to swallow. I was given a book called (I believe) the grief recovery handbook, but you have to want to do it and I don't know if mom would. Hugs from the little sis. xoxox

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know I'm thinking of you and your mom!

Yes! There is a book I would highly recommend. I read some books when my mother-in-law died, both for my own sake and for my husband's (he's a stuffer). I don't think I ever got him to read this book, though he still should, but it helped me....and it's written to be read easily, in bits and pieces. It specifically talks, among a lot of other things, about how not dealing with grief will turn around and bite you in the butt (well, it does NOT use those words).

It's called "Life After Loss", by Bob Deits: a paperback, readily available. It talks about all kinds of loss, not just bereavement, which is helpful, I think, because sometimes one loss can bring out feelings from another (a move can bring out feelings that were stuffed from a death or divorce or somethign). It talks about common physical and emotional reactions to loss, and 'anniversaries'. As I said, I read a lot, and this was far and away the most HELPFUL book. It's about acknowledging the loss and learning to live with it as a part of your life, I guess; integrating it. Not ignoring, or stuffing, nor dwelling every moment on the loss; talks about mourning as separate from depression, but also mentions depression.

Take care, Angie; I am sorry for your losses, and those of your mother. I hope the above is helpful; I think you'll find it so. Hang in there this weekend.

Angie, I am so sorry to hear about your uncle. As for your Mom, it might be worse to not have her attend the funeral. But i know you want to protect her and help her. As for working through grief, I would do some reading & googling (other commenters suggested Elizabeth Kubler Ross) and if that doesn't help there is always grief counseling. I'm a big believer in bringing in a third party/professional help. When I was 16, my best friend died suddenly and it took a long time to get through the grief. I still miss her. The pain lessens with time but may not ever fully disappear. I hope this helps some.

My friend lost her daughter last June, and has said that one thing that helped her was hearing somewhere that you don't recover from a loss, you build on a loss. That's maybe something for a little further down the road, but hopefully some of the other suggestions will help you through the next difficult times. I'm thinking of you and your mother; I do hope the funeral was a celebration of your uncle's life.

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