A hard topic

This is not a post about attending the Madison Knitters Guild event this weekend, how I'm looking forward to hearing Stephanie Pearl-McPhee give a talk, and that I'm going to be spending quality time with the vendors.   Nor is this a post about the wildlife in my back yard or how I wish Spring was here.

This is a post where I talk about a topic that is hard for me.  This post is about me asking for your help.  

Today I'm driving up to my mother's, picking her up, dropping the dog at the kennel, and driving back home.  Tomorrow we'll be attending the funeral for her brother, Theodore Stephenson, who lost his battle with lung cancer early Monday morning.  His obituary is here -- scroll down the page.  This is going to be a hard funeral for a couple of reasons.   We're all going to miss Uncle Theodore--he certainly was no wishy-washy kind of guy.  He recruited me as to assist him with tribal council affairs, a topic he was quite passionate about, and has really always been an influence in my life.  I'm happy he's out of pain but sad he's gone. 

This past week was also the second anniversary of my father's death and a few days before that would have been his 84th birthday.  My mother is still grieving heavily for him and she is depressed.  I'm afraid of the impact of my Uncle's death and this funeral.  I'm hopeful that perhaps tomorrow's ceremony will be helpful but........maybe it won't.   My mother is a bit like Scarlett O'Hara and will push the hard emotional stuff to the bottom of the list to think about tomorrow.  She's also a stubborn, independent woman and a good person. 

I do realize a lot of this is out of my control.  However, I am her daughter and I love her.  I just don't want to lose her to this grief.   There's another complicating factor or two I won't go into here but I think grief is the underlying cause.  Here's my request--I know I'm not alone in wondering how to deal with and work through grief.  Have you been in a similar situation?  How did you handle it?  How do you get to a place where you can live without daily pain?  Have you read any books that you think would be helpful to me or Mom?  If you would prefer to email your suggestion rather than leave a comment, my email is simonoaks at mac dot com.

Thank you for reading.  Just writing this post has been useful, helping me shed tears that have been held back.  Apples don't fall too far from the tree.

Comments

[Carrie]

I'm so sorry for your additional loss. Sadly, I have no good words of wisdom. When my mom died, I screamed a lot, ate a lot, shopped a lot, and skipped a lot of classes. And then after a while I didn't. It just got too tiring to be sad all the time.
Anyway, I'm sending you good warm thoughts of happy things and I hope they help a little.

[Nora]

I'm sorry honey. I went through it with my mom (my dad died 5 years ago yesterday, and I have no idea where that time went). I don't think it's so much about the "how" to work through grief, but that you actually do it. My mom didn't - she just stayed in a state of sort of suspended denial. Carrie's ideas are as good as any - but mostly, if your mom is willing feel her sad and talk to people - maybe even professionals - about being sad, and work on strategies for dealing with being sad, at some point, the sad will make way for other things.

I hope things get better soon. I'm thinking of you.

[Angie]

This is such a difficult time. As a nurse who has worked in palliative, I believe the only path is truth. But you must have a lifeline, someone you trust to talk to, so that you won't get into too dark a place. Plus you need to look after yourself to help your mom. A third party (impartial)is a good idea.
Funerals are like weddings and underline how wacky a family is. Try to keep your delicious humour through that. You don't have to make anyone else happy.

[a simple yarn]

While I suppose grief is no respecter of persons, it would seem to paint a different picture for each individual. And so while I am sure there are good books out there to help with the generalities, I would encourage you (both) to give yourselves the time and the space to work through it. What's the magical amount of time to work through grief? As far as I know, there isn't any. Speaking/crying/anger when necessary is good. Being quiet is okay, too. So, if you are able to give yourselves permission to feel what you feel, knowing that it will be for a limited span of time, I can't help but think that there will ultimately be hope and healing.

[Stacey]

Oh honey. I'm so sorry for everything. The only thing that worked for me was about 6 months of grief counseling. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross has a lot of good things to say, but it may be a chunk to swallow. I was given a book called (I believe) the grief recovery handbook, but you have to want to do it and I don't know if mom would. Hugs from the little sis. xoxox

[Joy]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know I'm thinking of you and your mom!

[Cathy-Cate]

Yes! There is a book I would highly recommend. I read some books when my mother-in-law died, both for my own sake and for my husband's (he's a stuffer). I don't think I ever got him to read this book, though he still should, but it helped me....and it's written to be read easily, in bits and pieces. It specifically talks, among a lot of other things, about how not dealing with grief will turn around and bite you in the butt (well, it does NOT use those words).

It's called "Life After Loss", by Bob Deits: a paperback, readily available. It talks about all kinds of loss, not just bereavement, which is helpful, I think, because sometimes one loss can bring out feelings from another (a move can bring out feelings that were stuffed from a death or divorce or somethign). It talks about common physical and emotional reactions to loss, and 'anniversaries'. As I said, I read a lot, and this was far and away the most HELPFUL book. It's about acknowledging the loss and learning to live with it as a part of your life, I guess; integrating it. Not ignoring, or stuffing, nor dwelling every moment on the loss; talks about mourning as separate from depression, but also mentions depression.

Take care, Angie; I am sorry for your losses, and those of your mother. I hope the above is helpful; I think you'll find it so. Hang in there this weekend.

[Kim]

Angie, I am so sorry to hear about your uncle. As for your Mom, it might be worse to not have her attend the funeral. But i know you want to protect her and help her. As for working through grief, I would do some reading & googling (other commenters suggested Elizabeth Kubler Ross) and if that doesn't help there is always grief counseling. I'm a big believer in bringing in a third party/professional help. When I was 16, my best friend died suddenly and it took a long time to get through the grief. I still miss her. The pain lessens with time but may not ever fully disappear. I hope this helps some.

[Judy G.]

My friend lost her daughter last June, and has said that one thing that helped her was hearing somewhere that you don't recover from a loss, you build on a loss. That's maybe something for a little further down the road, but hopefully some of the other suggestions will help you through the next difficult times. I'm thinking of you and your mother; I do hope the funeral was a celebration of your uncle's life.